I can't hate him.

Have you ever heard this?

"You must hate him [her] for what he [she] did to you."

"Don't you just want to see them go to jail?"

"I'd like to kill that person for hurting you." 

93% of juvenile sexual assault survivors know their attackers.  85-90% of adult survivors already have some kind of acquaintance with the person who assaulted them. 

Words cannot describe the betrayal you feel when someone you knew and possibly even trusted sexually assaults you. 

It is common for those that surround you (family members, loved ones, friends) to receive the news of your assault with threats of violence to the attacker, or to want to help you prosecute him or her. It's a fairly predictable response, and we can all understand it. When someone hurts a person we love, we want that person stopped. 

But when it comes to sexual assault by an acquaintance, the situation simply isn't that easy.

An "acquaintance" doesn't begin to describe who this person is to the survivor. It might be his or her parent. Next door neighbor. Another student at their university or high school. A teacher, sibling, or pastor. The father of their child. 

Such relationships don't come in only one dimension.

Outside of the sexual assault, you have had interactions with this person - without a doubt at least some of them positive. If this person is a member of your family, you have other family members' feelings to consider. The uncle who molested you is also your favorite cousin's father. Your ex-boyfriend gave you your child. Your neighbor babysat for you. 

Good memories get mixed in with the bad. You've always thought of a sexual assault being perpetrated by some stranger in the bushes. Not your friend. Not your family.

How can this person that did this horrible thing to you be, at the same time, someone you once liked? Maybe even still have some feelings for? Does that mean there's something wrong with you? 

Absolutely not. Fact is, nobody is all good or all bad. It's just not that simple. If people went around wearing devil horns and red body paint, it would be easier to spot them. But they don't. 

We know there are complexities to people's moral character: after all, "good people do bad things sometimes." However, it's a harder trick than you might think to apply that knowledge to your everyday life. 

We want people to fit an either/or, when it comes down to it. We want to say they're good, or they're bad, and when we can't fully define them as evil, we want to turn it around on us. This terrible thing happened, and if I can't hate them...maybe it was me. 

That's a logical leap you don't want to make, because the consequences are devastating. 

So don't assume that it has to be either/or, black or white. You may choose to see it instead in a number of different ways. 

• Good people do bad things. 
• Bad people do good things. 
• Or perhaps, that none of us is all good or all bad, but we make choices everyday to serve our highest self - or to serve our highest selfishness. 

Are you tempted to put people into opposite categories? Why do you think it's hard for you to allow a person to be more than one thing at a time?

Who's In Charge?

When you've been through a traumatic assault, it can feel like you've lost all control. I've had people say to me that they feel like they can't even have their feelings or reactions because that is a result of the assault. "He's still controlling me," they say. 

I deeply empathize with how that feels. But it's an illusion. You are still in control, no matter what you feel your attacker is still taking from you.

Here's a few things you're in control of:

• Your story.
• Who you tell.
• Your reactions.
• Your outlook.
• Your management of your pain.
• Your choices.
• Your future.
• Your life.

He/She (the Attacker) can only have as much control as you give them. So don't give them any. 

They don't deserve it.

You are in control.