It's My Fault

It's my fault. Have you ever thought that? Before you answer, let me give you some variations on that theme:

I went to his house. 

I agreed to the go out with him.

I was drinking.

I was thinking about hooking up with him.

I was wearing my shortest skirt.

What is the common thread in all of these statements? The word I. That one simple little word leads to one major conclusion in your mind:

I went to his house…so it's my fault.

I agreed to the go out with him…so it's my fault.

I was drinking…so it's my fault.

I was thinking about hooking up with him…so it's my fault.

I was wearing my shortest skirt…so it's my fault.

And that's the problem. A crime was perpetrated upon YOU…but somehow you've made it your fault.

It's not a new problem. It's called blaming the victim, and sexual assault is the only crime in which blaming the victim is not just accepted, it's encouraged. But the worst offender is not the media, or your parents, or your friends…though to be fair they're often a problem too. It's you.

Would you ask a survivor of homicide why they pissed off the murderer? No, you wouldn't. Because nobody survives a homicide. You survived your crime.

If a lock was broken on someone's car door, and they neglected to fix it, would it be their fault that their car got stolen? No, because any level of neglect doesn't justify a crime.

Instinctively, we know it's insane it blame a murder victim, or someone whose possessions were stolen. But survivors blame themselves - you blame yourself - for a crime against you as a matter of course.

The situation is no different if you were a survivor of childhood sexual abuse or stranger rape. Children say to themselves, "If I wasn't pretty my daddy wouldn't have hurt me." Adults say to themselves, "I should have been more careful." Listen, how long do you have to do this before you turn the blame on the person who deserves it?

Someone should be able to stand in front of someone else buck naked and not get raped. If anyone else was telling you their story of assault or abuse, you wouldn't blame them.

So why blame yourself?

Your challenge today is to shift your thinking.

I went to his house…but I didn't ask to be sexually assaulted.

I agreed to the go out with him…but not to get raped.

I was drinking…so I couldn't give consent.

I was thinking about hooking up with him…but I'm allowed to change my mind.

I was wearing my shortest skirt…so what?

I was a pretty child…but no one deserves abuse.

I should have been more careful…the perpetrator should not have done what they did.

Your turn. What blaming questions have you asked yourself?

Will I Ever Get Over This?

Have you ever asked that question? Most survivors do. Whether you ask the question in a counseling session, of a fellow survivor, or simply to yourself, it’s probably on your mind.

Unless the abuse or assault started from your earliest memories (which can happen) you probably remember a time before. It can take on a mythical quality. That time before the assault, when you were free from this pain.

Innocent.

Hopeful.

Trusting.

Rape is an aggressive word. So is assault. Accurately so, for they are physically aggressive acts. But they are also emotionally aggressive too. An assault takes things away from you on a personal level.

The time before becomes the time you were whole. The time after becomes the time you were broken. Robbed.

“He took everything from me!” I’ve heard survivors say. And I know to them it is quite true. But I caution them, and all of you, to avoid thinking of it in such closed terms.

Can you ever get over this? The simple answer is no.

But the true answer is you can transcend this circumstance and take back the control that was taken from you.

I think we focus on the wrong thing when we say that we need to get “over” sexual assault. What most survivors, in my experience at least, really mean by that statement  is that they want to get free of it. And that is something I wholeheartedly believe in.

How does someone get free of a history of assault? I cannot give a comprehensive, universal answer to that question, but I can tell you what components I commonly see in someone who is free of their abusive past.

They know who they are outside of the assault. They are not defined by it. They have their own goals, their own identity, untainted by the abuse. (Yes, it is possible to have that in the future if you’re not there now. Hang in there.)

They have a firm grasp of their “story.” They can recount the assault to safe people and not experience flashbacks. They have stripped from their story false guilt and blame and placed the wrongdoing squarely on the perpetrator’s shoulders, where it belongs.

They have found a way to grow from it. Please don’t misunderstand me in thinking I expect anyone to EVER be grateful for the assault. If you are, I applaud the courage in that, but I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with always wishing you hadn’t gone through it. BUT survivors who have gotten free have reclaimed SOMETHING about their assault or abuse that is theirs. They became sexual assault advocates. They wrote a book. They created art.  They protected someone else. They didn’t get to choose what happened to them, but they chose what came out of it.

They have boundaries. They don’t allow unsafe people into their lives, and they don’t let anyone walk all over them. They challenge themselves, but don’t push beyond their limits. They take care of themselves on a regular basis. They do not do anything sexually they do not want to, and they do not have sex out of the idea that they owe someone sex.

When someone asks me in counseling, “How can I get over this” these are the goals I keep in mind for them. In my time working with survivors, these factors go along with survivors feeling free.

So when you ask me, survivor, whether you can ever get over it, you know my answer.

Freedom is possible. Your old self is gone. But your new self is waiting.

Don’t give up. It’s possible.

Please share with us how you’ve known you were healed from an aspect of your assault, or what goals you have for yourself to know when you’re free. We’d love to support you.