Resources for Therapists, Counselors And Families

As you know, the mission of this blog is to provide hope and healing for survivors of sexual abuse and assault. Part of that mission is to provide helpful and accurate resources for those working to support survivors. To this end, I recently created a video for therapists to help them understand the reality of the struggle clients in crisis go through when processing what has happened to them.

Click the play button to watch the video in the blog or click here to watch at YouTube.




This particular video would also be a good resource for families or friends of survivors with questions like:

"Why didn't you tell someone sooner?"

"Why didn't you go to the police?"

"Why didn't you feel people would believe you?"

You know the answers to those questions, but it's very hard to put the answers into words. This video is here to help you do that! 

Did this video help answer some of your questions as a counselor or therapist? How do you plan on using this information to help survivors? 

What If I'm not sure?

Most of the people I speak to in counseling have come to me because they want to confront the sexual assault and/or abuse in their past. But not all of them.
 

Image Courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/Freedigitalphotos.net

Some of them, and maybe even some of you, think they might have been sexually abused or assaulted in the past, but don't know for sure.

This is a touchy but important concern. It's touchy, because the reputation of a person or people stands on the testament of an experience a survivor cannot say for sure has happened. But it's also important, because it's very possible that something abusive did happen to a person that they are unable, for very legitimate reasons, to remember. 

For example, a survivor may have been very young when the alleged abuse occurred. They may have flashes of memory, body memory, or uncomfortable feelings around a certain person, but not a specific recall of an abusive circumstance.

It's also possible for survivors to subconsciously block out abuse that is too painful to remember. This is one of the more controversial circumstances of lost memories, as humans are highly suggestible creatures and it has been proven that it is possible to implant false memories in another person through suggestion. This doesn't mean that every case of blocked memory is false, but it does make it harder to know even for yourself.

Finally, a survivor may have been under the influence of a date-rape drug or substance intoxication, and the effects of these chemicals have erased or altered the events in their memory.

However it happens, being unable to remember clearly  - and therefore, unable to prove or disprove the feeling that something bad happened - can be maddening to experience.

Image courtesy of renjith krishnan/freedigitalphotos.net

It seems there is no solution. Unless someone else was a witness, you have no way of knowing the truth. And that can make you feel helpless, angry, and unsure of who to trust.

Well, I can't tell you for sure whether or not something happened to you. If you, your therapist, and your law enforcement officer feel it is appropriate, by all means, investigate the situation to the best of your ability. But when you don't want to do that, or the search doesn't turn up what you want it to, there are other ways to reclaim your power and control.

Sit down and put together a "case" for and against the situation. One approach is to objectively look at the evidence, even if it's just for yourself. You may also invite a trusted friend or family member to help you look at what you know. Your decision, for or against what happened, may not hold up in a court of law, but it can give you a sense of peace.

Ask yourself, "What would it change?" If it was true, and if it was not true? Is it possible you might be afraid of one outcome or the other, and that is affecting how you look at the past? And, if it wouldn't change anything, do you really need to know?
 
Decide what YOU think and what that means for you. Saying it did happen, it didn't happen or you don't know are equally acceptable choices. The point is to take your power back by choosing one of these choices to be true until faced with further evidence to the contrary. This is distinguished from denial, which is a coping mechanism to avoid facing an unwelcome truth. You only truly regain control when you have thoroughly confronted all options and chosen to move ahead based on your own will.

Image Courtesy of markuso/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It is important that you know that none of these choices have legal implications...but they're not meant to. This isn't about deciding what happened for the point of justice, though that is also important. Instead, it's about finding peace and learning to set aside an old issue. 

Perhaps more importantly, it's about learning to trust yourself again. 

The Pain Scale

Have you ever felt like you didn't have the right to be hurt or upset about what happened to you? That other people have had it worse, so you can't possibly complain about your situation?

If so, you're not alone. Many survivors feel that they aren't justified in their feelings of rage, loss, or betrayal because your story could have been worse.

From birth, we learn that everything has a rating. It's a "good try," or "not good enough," or "perfect." We have our best friends, our enemies, and everything in between. 

It's human nature to try to make sense of things we encounter in our lives, and one way we make sense of our world is by putting things into ranked categories. 

But that doesn't work with pain, and here's why.

Pain cannot be compared. It's not an objective measurement. Two people can experience the same pain, and to one it's excruciating, and the other it's a passing irritation. 

Pain doesn't only "count" at a certain level of severity. Even if you could measure pain objectively, at which point can you declare it sufficiently valid? Who has the right to say for another person if it hurts enough? 

Fact is, pain is pain. Your hurt is just as valid as someone else's, and it matters just as much. 

Accepting the validity of your own pain...and that you have as much right to be hurt as someone else does...is a path to healing from it.

It's easier said than done. Hearing the truth doesn't just take it away. But what does help you is to start living it.

How To Ditch The Pain Scale

Evaluate your pain on its' own terms, not compared to someone else's.

Accept that you have a right to feel what you feel based on what happened to you. 

When you feel the urge to rate your pain, ask yourself why it's important that your pain be lesser than someone else's. 

Have you ever written off your hurt by saying "someone else had it worse?" Was that helpful to you or not? 

I can't hate him.

Have you ever heard this?

"You must hate him [her] for what he [she] did to you."

"Don't you just want to see them go to jail?"

"I'd like to kill that person for hurting you." 

93% of juvenile sexual assault survivors know their attackers.  85-90% of adult survivors already have some kind of acquaintance with the person who assaulted them. 

Words cannot describe the betrayal you feel when someone you knew and possibly even trusted sexually assaults you. 

It is common for those that surround you (family members, loved ones, friends) to receive the news of your assault with threats of violence to the attacker, or to want to help you prosecute him or her. It's a fairly predictable response, and we can all understand it. When someone hurts a person we love, we want that person stopped. 

But when it comes to sexual assault by an acquaintance, the situation simply isn't that easy.

An "acquaintance" doesn't begin to describe who this person is to the survivor. It might be his or her parent. Next door neighbor. Another student at their university or high school. A teacher, sibling, or pastor. The father of their child. 

Such relationships don't come in only one dimension.

Outside of the sexual assault, you have had interactions with this person - without a doubt at least some of them positive. If this person is a member of your family, you have other family members' feelings to consider. The uncle who molested you is also your favorite cousin's father. Your ex-boyfriend gave you your child. Your neighbor babysat for you. 

Good memories get mixed in with the bad. You've always thought of a sexual assault being perpetrated by some stranger in the bushes. Not your friend. Not your family.

How can this person that did this horrible thing to you be, at the same time, someone you once liked? Maybe even still have some feelings for? Does that mean there's something wrong with you? 

Absolutely not. Fact is, nobody is all good or all bad. It's just not that simple. If people went around wearing devil horns and red body paint, it would be easier to spot them. But they don't. 

We know there are complexities to people's moral character: after all, "good people do bad things sometimes." However, it's a harder trick than you might think to apply that knowledge to your everyday life. 

We want people to fit an either/or, when it comes down to it. We want to say they're good, or they're bad, and when we can't fully define them as evil, we want to turn it around on us. This terrible thing happened, and if I can't hate them...maybe it was me. 

That's a logical leap you don't want to make, because the consequences are devastating. 

So don't assume that it has to be either/or, black or white. You may choose to see it instead in a number of different ways. 

• Good people do bad things. 
• Bad people do good things. 
• Or perhaps, that none of us is all good or all bad, but we make choices everyday to serve our highest self - or to serve our highest selfishness. 

Are you tempted to put people into opposite categories? Why do you think it's hard for you to allow a person to be more than one thing at a time?

Reclaiming Yourself

One of the most common things that I hear from survivors of sexual assault is they feel like they lost control of themselves. While this was true for a time physically, as the assault happened, it doesn't have to be true on an ongoing basis. 

Have you thought about taking a step to reclaim the emotional and physical control you lost during the assault? I know, that's more complicated than it sounds. In order to reclaim what was lost in the assault, a necessary step is to acknowledge to some degree that a sexual assault was committed. That you were victimized (though you do not have to be, by any means, a victim.) 

That's a harsh reality for anyone to face, and I wouldn't recommend doing it without the support of a licensed counselor trained in sexual assault recovery. 

Once you have connected with a counselor who gets you, you can work with him or her on ways to reclaim your body and mind.

Here are a few ideas to discuss with your sexual assault recovery therapist:

Journaling: When done purposefully, journaling can help you release and explore ideas you've held onto about the assault that are no longer serving you.

Body therapy: In wanting to reclaim ownership of your body, many men and women have explored ideas such as tattoos, piercings, improving physical fitness, makeovers, and more. When done with the attitude of celebrating your physical self and not self-harm, they can be quite restorative. 

Symbolic destruction of the past: (Safe) burning or burying of written declarations of past misconceptions such as self-blame, guilt, and shame. The destruction of these past thoughts represents that you are getting rid of the old to move forward with a healthier worldview. (You may even find it helpful to start with journaling therapy, and then move onto destruction of that journal later on.)

Investing in yourself: By this I mean investing time, energy or money in creating an even-better you! Have you always wanted to go back to college? Why not now? Have you thought about running a marathon? Maybe it's the time to hire a personal trainer to help you learn the physical discipline needed to complete a race of that magnitude. Whatever it is, I want you to know that it's okay to something positive for yourself. 



If you were to reclaim yourself today, what steps would be meaningful to you? How would you take back who you are and move forward? Comment below.

If you live in Dallas or Texas, you can contact me about sexual assault recovery therapy & counseling in Dallas or online. Find out more about my practice.


 

Who's In Charge?

When you've been through a traumatic assault, it can feel like you've lost all control. I've had people say to me that they feel like they can't even have their feelings or reactions because that is a result of the assault. "He's still controlling me," they say. 

I deeply empathize with how that feels. But it's an illusion. You are still in control, no matter what you feel your attacker is still taking from you.

Here's a few things you're in control of:

• Your story.
• Who you tell.
• Your reactions.
• Your outlook.
• Your management of your pain.
• Your choices.
• Your future.
• Your life.

He/She (the Attacker) can only have as much control as you give them. So don't give them any. 

They don't deserve it.

You are in control.

How do YOU see yourself?

Have you ever worried that if you told someone what happened: your best friend, your cousin, your significant other - that it would change the way they saw you? 

All of the sudden, you'd no longer be the person they see movies with, or a close family member, or someone who is romantically desirable, but the "person who was sexually abused," or the "person who was raped." It's not an attractive idea. Who would want to change from being thought of as fun, friendly, or sexy to the proverbial victim?

No one I've ever met. In fact, most men and women I've worked with have deeply resisted the idea of being characterized by their assault...and in so doing kept their pain nestled close to their heart, an invisible barrier keeping themselves closed off to people they love. 

Recently I wrote about your assault being your story to tell. I still believe that. It's no one's right but your own to tell others what happened to you. 

But here I'm not talking about your right to tell your story...I'm talking about when you want to tell your story, but are afraid it will change how others see you. Even more than that, when you are afraid that your story will come to define you. 

That's a very different scenario from simply choosing when and with whom to share your story, because it isn't based in feeling obligated and choosing what to do about it, but instead is based in shame. 

And that's the major problem. When we look at the word shame, we're seeing the meaning being, "a painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another."


It's normal to feel shame after assault. But "normal" doesn't always mean appropriate.

Appropriate, meaning suitable, fitting, or proper. 

It is normal, but not suitable, fitting or proper for you to feel shame after an assault. Because it is not your fault that happened. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you - at all. It doesn't say anything about your character, your capability, or indeed, who you are, at all!

You worry about others defining you by the assault. But what you don't often see is that you worry about that because on some level you are defining yourself by the assault. People pick up what you project. If you project self-acceptance, they will too. But if you're stuck in shame and guilt, they may well assume there is something you should feel shame and guilt over...though this could not be farther from the truth.

So how do you get past this? You broaden your perspective. Right now, I challenge you to take out a piece of paper and start writing things down about who you are.

Check out this example characteristics sheet from Second Blooming to help you get started. You'll notice one major thing about it right off the bat. Nowhere does it describe an event as a defining characteristic of who you are. Because an event isn't you. It just happened to you. 

Big difference. :) 

I'd love to hear from any of you about what characteristics describe you! Comment below or send me an email, at survivorisaverb at gmail.com.