Who's In Charge?

When you've been through a traumatic assault, it can feel like you've lost all control. I've had people say to me that they feel like they can't even have their feelings or reactions because that is a result of the assault. "He's still controlling me," they say. 

I deeply empathize with how that feels. But it's an illusion. You are still in control, no matter what you feel your attacker is still taking from you.

Here's a few things you're in control of:

• Your story.
• Who you tell.
• Your reactions.
• Your outlook.
• Your management of your pain.
• Your choices.
• Your future.
• Your life.

He/She (the Attacker) can only have as much control as you give them. So don't give them any. 

They don't deserve it.

You are in control.

How do YOU see yourself?

Have you ever worried that if you told someone what happened: your best friend, your cousin, your significant other - that it would change the way they saw you? 

All of the sudden, you'd no longer be the person they see movies with, or a close family member, or someone who is romantically desirable, but the "person who was sexually abused," or the "person who was raped." It's not an attractive idea. Who would want to change from being thought of as fun, friendly, or sexy to the proverbial victim?

No one I've ever met. In fact, most men and women I've worked with have deeply resisted the idea of being characterized by their assault...and in so doing kept their pain nestled close to their heart, an invisible barrier keeping themselves closed off to people they love. 

Recently I wrote about your assault being your story to tell. I still believe that. It's no one's right but your own to tell others what happened to you. 

But here I'm not talking about your right to tell your story...I'm talking about when you want to tell your story, but are afraid it will change how others see you. Even more than that, when you are afraid that your story will come to define you. 

That's a very different scenario from simply choosing when and with whom to share your story, because it isn't based in feeling obligated and choosing what to do about it, but instead is based in shame. 

And that's the major problem. When we look at the word shame, we're seeing the meaning being, "a painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another."


It's normal to feel shame after assault. But "normal" doesn't always mean appropriate.

Appropriate, meaning suitable, fitting, or proper. 

It is normal, but not suitable, fitting or proper for you to feel shame after an assault. Because it is not your fault that happened. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you - at all. It doesn't say anything about your character, your capability, or indeed, who you are, at all!

You worry about others defining you by the assault. But what you don't often see is that you worry about that because on some level you are defining yourself by the assault. People pick up what you project. If you project self-acceptance, they will too. But if you're stuck in shame and guilt, they may well assume there is something you should feel shame and guilt over...though this could not be farther from the truth.

So how do you get past this? You broaden your perspective. Right now, I challenge you to take out a piece of paper and start writing things down about who you are.

Check out this example characteristics sheet from Second Blooming to help you get started. You'll notice one major thing about it right off the bat. Nowhere does it describe an event as a defining characteristic of who you are. Because an event isn't you. It just happened to you. 

Big difference. :) 

I'd love to hear from any of you about what characteristics describe you! Comment below or send me an email, at survivorisaverb at gmail.com.

Will I Ever Get Over This?

Have you ever asked that question? Most survivors do. Whether you ask the question in a counseling session, of a fellow survivor, or simply to yourself, it’s probably on your mind.

Unless the abuse or assault started from your earliest memories (which can happen) you probably remember a time before. It can take on a mythical quality. That time before the assault, when you were free from this pain.

Innocent.

Hopeful.

Trusting.

Rape is an aggressive word. So is assault. Accurately so, for they are physically aggressive acts. But they are also emotionally aggressive too. An assault takes things away from you on a personal level.

The time before becomes the time you were whole. The time after becomes the time you were broken. Robbed.

“He took everything from me!” I’ve heard survivors say. And I know to them it is quite true. But I caution them, and all of you, to avoid thinking of it in such closed terms.

Can you ever get over this? The simple answer is no.

But the true answer is you can transcend this circumstance and take back the control that was taken from you.

I think we focus on the wrong thing when we say that we need to get “over” sexual assault. What most survivors, in my experience at least, really mean by that statement  is that they want to get free of it. And that is something I wholeheartedly believe in.

How does someone get free of a history of assault? I cannot give a comprehensive, universal answer to that question, but I can tell you what components I commonly see in someone who is free of their abusive past.

They know who they are outside of the assault. They are not defined by it. They have their own goals, their own identity, untainted by the abuse. (Yes, it is possible to have that in the future if you’re not there now. Hang in there.)

They have a firm grasp of their “story.” They can recount the assault to safe people and not experience flashbacks. They have stripped from their story false guilt and blame and placed the wrongdoing squarely on the perpetrator’s shoulders, where it belongs.

They have found a way to grow from it. Please don’t misunderstand me in thinking I expect anyone to EVER be grateful for the assault. If you are, I applaud the courage in that, but I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with always wishing you hadn’t gone through it. BUT survivors who have gotten free have reclaimed SOMETHING about their assault or abuse that is theirs. They became sexual assault advocates. They wrote a book. They created art.  They protected someone else. They didn’t get to choose what happened to them, but they chose what came out of it.

They have boundaries. They don’t allow unsafe people into their lives, and they don’t let anyone walk all over them. They challenge themselves, but don’t push beyond their limits. They take care of themselves on a regular basis. They do not do anything sexually they do not want to, and they do not have sex out of the idea that they owe someone sex.

When someone asks me in counseling, “How can I get over this” these are the goals I keep in mind for them. In my time working with survivors, these factors go along with survivors feeling free.

So when you ask me, survivor, whether you can ever get over it, you know my answer.

Freedom is possible. Your old self is gone. But your new self is waiting.

Don’t give up. It’s possible.

Please share with us how you’ve known you were healed from an aspect of your assault, or what goals you have for yourself to know when you’re free. We’d love to support you.