[Video] A Real-Life Survivor

This is a beautiful video we all can benefit from seeing. It will break your heart and then send you to a place of joy and triumph for this incredible girl and her incredible story. You are not alone, it is not your fault, and you are not a victim. Thanks for sharing, Anna.

Post by Anna Lee Gruenwald.

I can't hate him.

Have you ever heard this?

"You must hate him [her] for what he [she] did to you."

"Don't you just want to see them go to jail?"

"I'd like to kill that person for hurting you." 

93% of juvenile sexual assault survivors know their attackers.  85-90% of adult survivors already have some kind of acquaintance with the person who assaulted them. 

Words cannot describe the betrayal you feel when someone you knew and possibly even trusted sexually assaults you. 

It is common for those that surround you (family members, loved ones, friends) to receive the news of your assault with threats of violence to the attacker, or to want to help you prosecute him or her. It's a fairly predictable response, and we can all understand it. When someone hurts a person we love, we want that person stopped. 

But when it comes to sexual assault by an acquaintance, the situation simply isn't that easy.

An "acquaintance" doesn't begin to describe who this person is to the survivor. It might be his or her parent. Next door neighbor. Another student at their university or high school. A teacher, sibling, or pastor. The father of their child. 

Such relationships don't come in only one dimension.

Outside of the sexual assault, you have had interactions with this person - without a doubt at least some of them positive. If this person is a member of your family, you have other family members' feelings to consider. The uncle who molested you is also your favorite cousin's father. Your ex-boyfriend gave you your child. Your neighbor babysat for you. 

Good memories get mixed in with the bad. You've always thought of a sexual assault being perpetrated by some stranger in the bushes. Not your friend. Not your family.

How can this person that did this horrible thing to you be, at the same time, someone you once liked? Maybe even still have some feelings for? Does that mean there's something wrong with you? 

Absolutely not. Fact is, nobody is all good or all bad. It's just not that simple. If people went around wearing devil horns and red body paint, it would be easier to spot them. But they don't. 

We know there are complexities to people's moral character: after all, "good people do bad things sometimes." However, it's a harder trick than you might think to apply that knowledge to your everyday life. 

We want people to fit an either/or, when it comes down to it. We want to say they're good, or they're bad, and when we can't fully define them as evil, we want to turn it around on us. This terrible thing happened, and if I can't hate them...maybe it was me. 

That's a logical leap you don't want to make, because the consequences are devastating. 

So don't assume that it has to be either/or, black or white. You may choose to see it instead in a number of different ways. 

• Good people do bad things. 
• Bad people do good things. 
• Or perhaps, that none of us is all good or all bad, but we make choices everyday to serve our highest self - or to serve our highest selfishness. 

Are you tempted to put people into opposite categories? Why do you think it's hard for you to allow a person to be more than one thing at a time?

How do YOU see yourself?

Have you ever worried that if you told someone what happened: your best friend, your cousin, your significant other - that it would change the way they saw you? 

All of the sudden, you'd no longer be the person they see movies with, or a close family member, or someone who is romantically desirable, but the "person who was sexually abused," or the "person who was raped." It's not an attractive idea. Who would want to change from being thought of as fun, friendly, or sexy to the proverbial victim?

No one I've ever met. In fact, most men and women I've worked with have deeply resisted the idea of being characterized by their assault...and in so doing kept their pain nestled close to their heart, an invisible barrier keeping themselves closed off to people they love. 

Recently I wrote about your assault being your story to tell. I still believe that. It's no one's right but your own to tell others what happened to you. 

But here I'm not talking about your right to tell your story...I'm talking about when you want to tell your story, but are afraid it will change how others see you. Even more than that, when you are afraid that your story will come to define you. 

That's a very different scenario from simply choosing when and with whom to share your story, because it isn't based in feeling obligated and choosing what to do about it, but instead is based in shame. 

And that's the major problem. When we look at the word shame, we're seeing the meaning being, "a painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another."


It's normal to feel shame after assault. But "normal" doesn't always mean appropriate.

Appropriate, meaning suitable, fitting, or proper. 

It is normal, but not suitable, fitting or proper for you to feel shame after an assault. Because it is not your fault that happened. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you - at all. It doesn't say anything about your character, your capability, or indeed, who you are, at all!

You worry about others defining you by the assault. But what you don't often see is that you worry about that because on some level you are defining yourself by the assault. People pick up what you project. If you project self-acceptance, they will too. But if you're stuck in shame and guilt, they may well assume there is something you should feel shame and guilt over...though this could not be farther from the truth.

So how do you get past this? You broaden your perspective. Right now, I challenge you to take out a piece of paper and start writing things down about who you are.

Check out this example characteristics sheet from Second Blooming to help you get started. You'll notice one major thing about it right off the bat. Nowhere does it describe an event as a defining characteristic of who you are. Because an event isn't you. It just happened to you. 

Big difference. :) 

I'd love to hear from any of you about what characteristics describe you! Comment below or send me an email, at survivorisaverb at gmail.com.

I Should Have Reported

I should have reported. 

I wish I'd told someone. 

Sound familiar? Two, four, even ten or more years down the line, I hear survivors express their regret over not reporting their assault to the police or at least telling someone it was happening. 

I understand that. By the time I meet most survivors, they have had some distance from the assault or abuse. With adulthood, or with time, they see that what was done was not their fault and they feel the desire to protect others from what happened to them. It seems that once they reach a place where they've acknowledged what happened and started the healing process, they want to see the perpetrator be held accountable for his or her crime. 

It's wonderful when survivors feel ready to confront their perpetrators, one way or another, though it's not always a necessary step in healing. What can be dangerous, though, is the guilt that survivors can take on at this time.

Some survivors blame themselves for not prosecuting sooner. They feel angry that they've spent years "allowing" the perpetrator to roam free, hurting other girls or boys. It hurts because they've suffered and the perpetrator did not. Or, maybe, the statute of limitations has expired and they can't report the crime now, but could have earlier. 

That's a heavy burden to carry. With one regret - the wish that you had pursued charges against your attacker earlier - you take on the responsibility for other survivors he/she has hurt, the responsibility to punish your perpetrator, and a possible life-altering opportunity that was not taken. 

No wonder I see so many survivors beating themselves up over not reporting. I would, too, if I carried all that responsibility around with me. But it's a responsibility that isn't yours to carry. 


You are a different person now than you were then. Time and experience gave you a perspective on your situation now that you couldn't have possibly had before. You can't expect yourself to know something then that you only discovered now. 

It is common for survivors to go through a period of shock and denial when the assault or abuse first happens. How can a person who is struggling to even admit something happened possibly be able to report it right then? Give yourself a break. There is no instruction manual for this. 

Perpetrators create situations that make it extremely difficult for someone to report. The whole point of their crime is that they want to do it and continue doing it. Therefore, they make sure their target has a lot to drink. Or, they tell a small child that they will hurt his or her parents if they tell anyone. They seek out people that society is prejudiced against. The deck is stacked against you. That's what these predators count on.

No matter what, you are not responsible for the perpetrator's other crimes. Whether the perpetrator assaulted someone else before, after or during his/her assault of you does not make you in any way at fault for those crimes. Period. Which leads into...

It's not your job to punish the perpetrator. You can choose to report. But you cannot take on the burden of punishing the person who did this to you - no matter how much they deserve it.  Why? Because your job is taking care of you. Nothing else. It's wonderful if you want to crusade for other survivors, write a victim impact statement for court, complete a rape kit and tell the police about what happened to you. But what matters the most is that you heal. If you can do that and report the crime, then in many cases that's the best option.

But not all. Ultimately, whatever you have to do to heal, as long as it doesn't hurt you or others, is OKAY. Because...

Who is to say but YOU whether or not reporting is the right choice for you? Is it always the right choice to report? Honestly, I don't know. If we had a perfect judicial system, maybe...but we don't. For some it may impede their healing to report and all that goes along with that. For other survivors, the only way to heal is to report, whatever the outcome. The important thing is to realize that it's an individual choice, and to not judge anyone (including yourself) for those choices. 

Have you ever felt guilty over not reporting/not telling about your assault? How did you deal with it?

If you need more help sorting through these and other questions, check out the Survivor Is A Verb Bookstore. 

It's My Fault, Part Two. Why It Sticks.

While I hope you have taken what I said in the previous letter to heart, I know it's not a mindset shift that lends itself to easy change. More often, the shift from "it's my fault" to "the perpetrator is to blame" clings harder than one day's talk can shake loose.

I hope you feel freer after reading the previous letter. But it's possible you still have some doubts. Maybe you think, "She just doesn't know my situation. If she knew, she'd get why it's my fault."

You may also want to let it go, but the blame still creeps back in. You go to sleep feeling good, and then at two a.m. you're wide awake thinking of all you could have done differently.

If that's the case, let me assure you, you're not the only one.

As much as I'd like it to be easier, it's very common to hold onto the self-blame longer than is necessary. I've found two reasons why that seems to happen.

First, you're in the minority. Sad as it is, and as common as sexual assault is, at the time of this writing more people than not will blame the victim for their assault. I hope and pray that at some time in the future I can take out this sentence, but for now, I can't. To little is understood about the nature of sexual assault, and too many survivors are caught up in blame themselves right now, for most people to accept blamelessness for being assaulted.

The first time you tell someone of your assault, the first questions are, "why" and "how," leading to the assumption that you made critical errors in judgment to lead you to this unfortunate circumstance.

Huffington Post: Click For Story

After Steubenville, Sandusky, and countless others, the public outcry is against the poor accused perpetrators, and seeks to defame the survivors at any cost. Despite the fact that false reports for assault are as low or lower than other crimes. Despite the fact that perpetrators quite often plan to be public figures with plausible deniability in case this kind of thing were to happen. And, despite the fact that not many people would put themselves through that kind of media hell if they were telling a lie. 

This is the ongoing battle of surviving: reminding yourself everyday, despite well-meaning or harshly-meant criticism of your character, that this is not your fault. That until you contribute to the solution by freeing yourself from unjustified guilt, the system will not change.

It's not fair.

Jerry Sandusky Trial: Click for Story

But you can do it for yourself.

As challenging as that is, however, the second reason is far more difficult than even the first. It has to do with that v-word. No, not that one. The other one. Victim. Another major reason survivors cling to self-blame is because not to do so is to invite utter chaos. If it wasn't their fault - if it wasn't your fault - then it was wholly outside of your control.

That's the WORST feeling in the world, especially to a survivor, who has already had so much control taken away. As destructive as it is, you may be tempted to hold onto that self-blame as a security blanket against the empty uncertainty of not having any power whatsoever. They're both terrible, but one feels far worse.

But is it, really? I know it's horrible to feel out of control. Every adult deserves a healthy level of self-control. It's a basic human right.

But, is this the kind of control you want to have? Do you really want to hold onto this control when it means villianizing yourself in the process.

I know it's terrifying. But keep in mind, letting go of this control doesn't mean you have no control. No matter what, you always have control over your own mind. No one can take that away from you, no matter how awful.  

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist in Austria during the beginning of the Holocaust. He could have escaped after the Nazi invasion in 1939, but stayed to take care of his patients, including falsifying records to protect those under his care from being euthanized for being unfit. Eventually he, his parents, his brother, and his wife were all forced into camps. He was the only one of that group who survived, having lost his family, his practice, and his life's work.

Still, after all that, he said this:

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

No one can take all control away from you, though they can abuse it terribly. Who you are and who you will be is your absolute possession, today and every day.

Do you ever blame yourself as a way to keep control of the situation? What’s another, healthier way you might regain control of the situation instead?

It's My Fault

It's my fault. Have you ever thought that? Before you answer, let me give you some variations on that theme:

I went to his house. 

I agreed to the go out with him.

I was drinking.

I was thinking about hooking up with him.

I was wearing my shortest skirt.

What is the common thread in all of these statements? The word I. That one simple little word leads to one major conclusion in your mind:

I went to his house…so it's my fault.

I agreed to the go out with him…so it's my fault.

I was drinking…so it's my fault.

I was thinking about hooking up with him…so it's my fault.

I was wearing my shortest skirt…so it's my fault.

And that's the problem. A crime was perpetrated upon YOU…but somehow you've made it your fault.

It's not a new problem. It's called blaming the victim, and sexual assault is the only crime in which blaming the victim is not just accepted, it's encouraged. But the worst offender is not the media, or your parents, or your friends…though to be fair they're often a problem too. It's you.

Would you ask a survivor of homicide why they pissed off the murderer? No, you wouldn't. Because nobody survives a homicide. You survived your crime.

If a lock was broken on someone's car door, and they neglected to fix it, would it be their fault that their car got stolen? No, because any level of neglect doesn't justify a crime.

Instinctively, we know it's insane it blame a murder victim, or someone whose possessions were stolen. But survivors blame themselves - you blame yourself - for a crime against you as a matter of course.

The situation is no different if you were a survivor of childhood sexual abuse or stranger rape. Children say to themselves, "If I wasn't pretty my daddy wouldn't have hurt me." Adults say to themselves, "I should have been more careful." Listen, how long do you have to do this before you turn the blame on the person who deserves it?

Someone should be able to stand in front of someone else buck naked and not get raped. If anyone else was telling you their story of assault or abuse, you wouldn't blame them.

So why blame yourself?

Your challenge today is to shift your thinking.

I went to his house…but I didn't ask to be sexually assaulted.

I agreed to the go out with him…but not to get raped.

I was drinking…so I couldn't give consent.

I was thinking about hooking up with him…but I'm allowed to change my mind.

I was wearing my shortest skirt…so what?

I was a pretty child…but no one deserves abuse.

I should have been more careful…the perpetrator should not have done what they did.

Your turn. What blaming questions have you asked yourself?